Is it I?

I heard a voice this morning – ‘it said write’ – I have heard it before but I often ignore it at the time and then play with some writing later – but not much and not often. Today was different more like a demand I must follow, so here I am 2 hours earlier than I am usually up - making an attempt to say what …..

I have MS but you may already know that. My days start pretty much the same everyday – I take a pain pill, stager like a drunkard to the bathroom grabbing furniture and walls praying I don’t fall (I’ve had enough broken bones – thank you). I manage to do the usual morning stuff, empty the bladder, defuzz the teeth, deodorant, wash the face if it is dirty (usually it isn’t the pillowcase has taken care of it) brush the hair & then usually back to bed for an hour hoping the pain killer kicks in. After the hour or so I drag myself back out of bed & watch “Simply Quilts” while rising & struggling to get dressed (often the same clothes I wore yesterday – it is to hard to get into the closet and back to my chair where I sit and dress, 2 or 3 times a week I do remember the night before to layout clean clothes). The feet and legs are always the most uncooperative, so I have to sit back down and rest after I do get dressed before I can get on with the day.

Next stop is the kitchen – I fill a glass with ice & diet soda (I always hope hubby remembered to leave one on the table for me, but if not it is a balancing act to get one from the pantry (the walker doesn’t do the pantry & the legs don’t get used to being up and around for an hour or so). Now I must take time for the daily devotions, although my prayers start before I even wake up everyday, these help give me insight to life and it is one of my connections to the world that LOVE lives in. This world were there is LOVE is harder and harder to find each day, but I search for it and make an effort to share some LOVE with it everyday where ever I perceive a need. If it is a day hubby works then I try, with the help of a walker, to go out and get the paper but usually don’t succeed, I sometimes wonder how they manage to usually get it into a spot I can’t quite maneuver to. Then it is back inside, into the living room and onto the computer where I read the new emails (most of them junk) a couple of more devotions and then it is a matter of deciding what to do for the day. I get up, stretch a bit, walk around to se if anything is calling for me to do and them I am back at the computer for most of the morning, visiting websites, taking surveys hoping to earn a little income, but it is very little – after all who really wants the opinion of a homebody that doesn’t have the hundreds or thousands of dollars to spend on the things they want peoples opinions on. I have a website partly set up now that I hope will bring me a little work – but it is in it’s baby stages.

Around noon if the weather permits I walk out to the mailbox with the help of a heavy duty walker with the all terrain type wheels, this is a major exercise; uphill, big gravel, mole hills, sticks and twigs all to trip me up then it is back downhill, a bit steeper than I like, through the same obstacles, into the house and check out what is interesting in the mail – usually it is a lot like checking email, mostly junk. The afternoon is often spent doing a bit of sewing, knitting, crocheting or if I’m not in the mood then I just may go back to the computer after lunch (that is if I remember to eat lunch and there is anything around easy enough I can fix for myself without help).

If it is a day hubby doesn’t work then we may do a bit of shopping if the weather is kind for the wheelchair (little piles of snow or puddles of water that most people just step over are a challenge, it is either struggling through or sometimes a long way around – did you know fatigue is one of the biggest problems with MS – for me it is a lot like carrying extra weights on my ankles, feet, shoulders, wrists, & fingers – even thinking is sometimes like moving in slow motion.) We may go out to lunch at the local restaurant (easy for me to get around in there & always close parking so I can walk using hubby’s shoulder to lean on, it is nice to have a chance once in a while to get around without having to rely on the wheelchair or a walker.

Then there are those days thought that I am compelled to talk about – the days I have to do shopping by myself. Most of the time these shopping trips workout ok but once in a while, especially at a store I don’t frequently shop at – I seem to be invisible in my wheelchair. People will walk around me (I presume because I too slow for them – they are in a hurry and I’m a ‘marginal’ being) to stand in front of me to decided what they are going to buy, while I struggle to reach something on an upper shelf or was just taking a deep breath so I could continue on, I try to be patient and wait for people in front of me to finish so I won’t be in their way again – but occasionally I am in a hurry, so I have to maneuver around people & their cart to go on my way. Then we have the checkout lanes, I am quiet often stepped in front of, especially by those that are carrying their purchases and don’t have a cart, I guess they just don’t see me, the really sad part is that sometimes this is done by people I know – they don’t recognize me in my wheelchair by myself. Luckily I don’t have to venture out on my on very often because it hurts too much.